...love remembers

Love Advice

Everyone needs love advice from time to time. Sometimes you are so close to a situation you don't know if you are looking at it clearly or not. Go ahead and tell us your story below. Your story will be posted online and try to help you through your turmoil.

Going through the loss of a person you truly love is actually debilitating. And if you search the internet at all about love, you rarely see sites about love gone right, but you find a whole lot of sites about love gone wrong.

It just means, you are not alone in what you are experiencing. Does that make it any easier? No it doesn't. But like an old saying goes "misery loves company". Not that it does you any good, as you have to deal with this loss yourself.

Is it easy? Oh no, not at all! But sometimes we need to get it out and a little love advice and comfort is good sometimes. There are many sites that tell you that in the process of healing, to lean on your friends and family for support. And honestly, you need to.

But, there are many that don't have that support system in their lives and want some love advice. And let's not forget the ones that need to talk and cannot reveal to their friends or family about what is going on in their love life, for one reason or another?

Although there are some people that say "they are not needy" it is a false statement in my opinion. Some people use those words to actually describe that they are a strong person. They use these words in the wrong context. And yes, I am very happy you are a strong person. But we as humans are all needy when it comes to love. We all need to love and to be loved. It's who we are and what we do.

So if you have a question, or would like to get something off your chest, write in and tell me your story. I would love to hear from you. Why tell me? Why not? Sometimes you just need to tell somebody.

No, I am not a doctor of any kind. I'm just a very empathetic man you likes to help people if I can. I come from a bar background. Yes, the stories of people with heartbreak going to the local bar and telling the bartender their stories of lost love is true. It actually happens more then you can even imagine.

I progressed from the bartender job but stayed in the bar business for twenty years. And there have been lots of stories I listened to through the years. Telling the bartender your love problems has been a part of our history here in the U.S. And I suspect it will go on forever.

Talking to a bartender about your love problems is as popular today as it ever was. There is a site called Mens Health that even has a a very popular section called "ask Jimmy the bartender". He gets hundreds of questions if not thousands for advice, and this is 2009!

I find that most people already know what they need to do to help themselves through this rough patch of lost love, as love remembers. But they like to hear another person's take on it, or they need someone else to validate what they already know.

Just below is a form to write to me if you would like. And below that, are some questions I have received from some people that I have answered.

However you choose to handle this situation in your life right now, don't give up on yourself, or on life. It may take a long time to heal, but you will find love again. And as hard as life can be sometimes, it's only for a season in your life. A new season will come and bring you joy.

(Replies from submitted questions below form)

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Submitted Questions:

I had an affair before with a married man but he was separated with his wife..our love for each other had begun so easily and now we lost each other for 2 years because I've decided that time, to let him go.I don't want to hurt other people feelings and I know that I will never be happy with him knowing that what we had was just a right love at a wrong time. please help me with my problem..I'm just wondering I need answers to my questions: *Why is it that we meet people when we do? *Do the fates have some master plan to conspire against us (I didn't mean to make that sound so paranoid. Really.)? *Is it even possible to reconnect with someone at a different time and a different place in both your lives? *Will the past always be right behind you, or can you forge ahead with a future together, despite the not-so-great circumstances in which you first met. *Is there such a thing as a "second" first meeting, if that makes any sense?

Love Advice:

These are age old questions my dear, and age old circumstances too. So let me give you my thoughts on all the questions you have asked. I'll address them one at a time for you.

First of all, it was the affair. Yes, he was separated, but you were still married. In order to start to make some sense out of all of this, cheating is not the answer. But I guess you already know this. For some reason, you have strayed away from your marriage, and I think you need to deal with that first.

There are many reasons marriages have problems, or fail. And I think you need to find out what that is. Sometimes we are missing something that we need so badly, but can't seem to find with our spouse. Marriage isn't easy by no means, but find the reason why you have been led astray, and rectify it. Either you stay faithfully, or you leave.

Life is full of choices, and every choice you make will determine your future. So think long and hard on the decision whether to stay or leave. But remember, what you experience in an affair is different then if he was your husband. After all, you only experienced lust, love, and good times. What if you lived with him every day, dealt with the bills, the kids, and on and on? Would there be any difference then?

And before I answer your questions, please remember, that the act of falling in love, is the most addictive power known to man.So the way you first felt about your husband, has dwindled, but falling in love again can be addicting. Does that mean your husband is still NOT the love of your life? You need to give that some thought. When we all get over that initial lust and love, and reality sets in, and sometimes not so lustful, you have to ask yourself, "am I happy to be with that person forever?

Get that part of your life straight first. You can't move forward with your husband, or any other man for that fact, until you know what makes you happy.

Now to your questions. Why is it that we meet people when we do?

I suppose there are a lot of answers to that question, depending on who you talk to. Actually, the answer is, "That's Life". Period! Nothing more, nothing less. You will always come across people in your life. It's what you do with them is the question really. We go through life and meet all kinds of people. But if you think you are compatible with only one person in this whole world, you are sadly mistaken.

Many people, widowed or divorced, find another to share this journey we call life. It's not that they didn't love their first love, they did, it is that they found another to love.

So it's not really about meeting people when we do, it's what we do with the people we do meet.

Do the fates have some master plan to conspire against us?

No one is conspiring against you my dear. I know it seems that way many times. But it's just life. Life is what you make it, and to repeat myself, life is full of choices.

Is it even possible to reconnect with someone at a different time and a different place in both your lives?

Anything is possible, it's just not probable. You'll find in life, and in love, you only go around once. Is it shame? Maybe.Were you right together? Probably? Is there such a thing in life called a "do over"? Nope!

Will the past always be right behind you, or can you forge ahead with a future together, despite the not-so-great circumstances in which you first met?

Not everyone meets under great circumstances, believe me. But your past, and the baggage that along with it, will always be right behind you. But that's OK. It's how you handle the baggage that's most important.

Is there such a thing as a "second" first meeting, if that makes any sense?

Oh it makes sense, but what you are asking is, "will I have a second chance"? In life anything is possible. But I wouldn't count on this one. There aren't very many second chances in life.

In Closing

Before you do anything, please resolve your current marriage situation first. And don't think that if you leave your husband, your affair becomes active again automatically. Think hard and long.

I am sorry for the loss of love you feel in your marriage, but if possible try top make it work before calling it quits.

I'm sorry for the hurt you feel in your heart, as love remembers.

Tomorrow is a new day. With all the hurt you feel in many area's of your life, tomorrow is the day to honestly look inside yourself and make decisions to the best of your ability. You cannot play with people's emotions, as you not only hurt yourself, but you hurt others. Take care.

-----------------------------------------------------------------Here is an email that I received from someone on this site:

I am a 61 year old male and have been in a 3yr plus relationship with a 58 year old lady. I was married for 36 years before losing my wife at age 55. Judy and I met about a year after Penny died. She had lost her husband (#2) about 10 years earlier.

For three years everything seemed perfect---so many things in common. Likes and dislikes, everything. In Nov 07 (almost 3 years after we met) Judy broke up with me saying we needed to see other people. Truth according to her was she was ready to marry and I did not ask.

We were apart about 6 weeks. From that point on she began to find fault with things I did---my dedication to her, my ex lady friends, my family running my life.

In May 08 she finally left again. This time her ex from a 5 yr relationship called her on her birthday. They began seeing each other again. She said it was platonic and I was dating others.

We got back together again in July, broke up again in Aug-Sep, got back together, etc. This went on until Feb 09. All this time we would split for awhile, I would date, she would go to Mike.

When we were split in Aug she went on one date with a guy from here. On Valentines Day 08 he sent her flowers. She told me and said she wanted to go out with him. I was supposed to be seeing others so I said sure. My thought was she would find what I had found all these times---no one else interested me!

She told me in April that we could not be together anymore. She wanted to pursue Kevin and did not want to sleep with two guys at one time. Again I thought this would end soon---in Aug she asked him to move in with her. None of us before had done that.

She gave me the do not contact me etc call in late May. I have not. I know I am probably crazy---my counselor thinks so---but I would try again in a heartbeat!! It has been over a year since they met, 8 months since their first date, 7 months since they started sleeping together, and 2 1/2 months since he moved in.

Love Advice:

First, I would like to say I am very sorry for the loss of your wife.

We go through seasons in our life, just like nature. The season that you were in with your beloved was wonderful so it seems. And maybe, she was waiting for you to ask her to marry you, but I don't know. When you find that special someone in your life, the thing you are supposed to do is not let them go. But with her picking at things that were on going in your life looks to me as if she was trying to break up.

She has broken up and made up with you many times. I believe her season with you, is now over for her, I am sad to say. And her returns to you through all of this may have been nothing more then "using you". She always had someone to fall back on, and that was you. Sorry.

It also seems as though she has had the opportunities to "sew her oats", of which it seemed she enjoyed. Again, with no consequences, as you were always there. Now with the "no contact" phone call, and him moving in with her, it seems she has already put what you two had, behind her and has severed the reunions from ever happening again.

You say that you would go back if given a chance. I know, that you know, this would not be a good idea. You can't re-create what you had. That part is over as you can see with all this back and forth after three years together.

Finding love, and what I call "comfort ability" with someone can be difficult. And I know with aging, it is not an easy thing to do to start over again. But you really have no choice here if you want to make the right decision. I agree with your therapist. You really don't want someone that is continually going to do this to you, do you? And you really don't want someone that doesn't love you, do you?

I know this must be a very difficult time for you, and I am truly sorry. And moving on, isn't as easy as saying the words, no doubt. But you never know what tomorrow brings. Although it takes a lot of time to find someone special in your life, it sometimes comes faster then you think. So keep the faith!

If she doesn't end up with this man, and she does contact you, be polite, but you need to walk away. Start anew.


I've been dating my boyfriend for a year and a half. When I met him he was hurting from being dumped from someone he cared a lot about. I can't believe how much he has loved me, and how he treats me, and I love him till it hurts. But, over the past couple of months, the way he looks at me is not as pure, as loving. He still treats me nice, but not like it was. What should I do?

Love Advice:

I don't know how much of my site you have read, but the best love advice to give you is don't date the ing. Which means to not date anyone that is divorcing, separating, hurting, grieving, etc. and you did. People who are hurting need to heal. And people who have been rejected want to be loved and to love. I am sure your relationship was great. But as you are seeing, he is healing now and becoming stronger. I believe he cares about you a great deal especially with all the comfort and love you have given him.

But unfortunately, you are the on that may end up with unrequited love. You love him, but his love won't be returned. It's common in these circumstances, and each of you should have know better to date an "ing". Because you let your emotions get in the way, someone may get hurt her, and it will probably be you.

To know for sure I think you need to sit down with him and have a heart to heart talk. Ask him to be honest about his feelings. He may ell you what you want to hear, but it my experience, I'm afraid he will tell you that he don't feel the same way anymore and he is moving on. I hope not for your sake.Keep the faith, be as strong as you can, and get things settled as soon as you can, as there is no sense prolonging this for your well being.

Can you be someone's soul mate when they are not yours?

Love Advice

Yes, but let me explain. You can love someone unconditionally, which I might add doesn't happen too much these days. Today it seems there are conditions to love. It seems that there are conditions of which that person will continually love you, and you will never realize this until it's too late, unfortunately. Too bad really. A person's character comes into play here.

You may feel as one with this person. They bring you joy that fills your heart and your soul. In the words of Dirty Harry, they make your day. You love them down to the deepest reaches of your soul, and each day is not complete without them in your life. You love doing for them as it brings you joy and happiness.

In fact, many times the other person may feel the same way about you, especially at first. As time goes by though, they may still feel very close to you, and love you, but are not in love with you. So they leave you in search for their soul mate. I really believe that when you feel this close to someone, and they move on, it's a mistake somehow.

I believe that they fight fate, and choose a different path. But you need to understand it is what they feel they need to do. This person, after much time has passed, may realize that maybe you were the one, your soul mate. But generally, once upon a time, never comes again.

On the other side of this coin, this person may find that although they cared for you sincerely, that you were not the one for them.

Yes, you can be their soul mate, but to what end? This person will forever own your heart, no doubt. And probably cause you many sleepless nights to say the least. But you have to try to go on with your life, as their is a very good possibility that this person will not return. I don't say this lightly, and I am truly sorry for you loss.

Why life happens this way I'll never understand. But you can't make someone love you, unfortunately. The loss will be forever theirs, as they will miss the experience of truly unconditional love, and the passion of soul mates.

Contacting lost love and what to say? Love Advice

My best love advice here is to please be very careful here for your own sake. I assume that neither of you are attached? And if that is the case, go very slow here. I don't want you to get hurt. There are many times this works out, and then there are many times it doesn't.

Whatever reasons there were that you both are not together now, may be good reasons not to try this again. It is something to think about seriously before you make this move. And as time goes by, people change. The desire you have for this "reunion" may be from feelings that you remember form time gone by.

And for many, once upon a time, never comes again. If you haven't listened to the video above, you should. Many times you can't rekindle what once was.

Most of the time when people part, there was some heartache. Unless it was a parting of ways that was mutual, and friendly, this could be very difficult. Although you may find that people forgive as time goes by, they seldom forget!

But if your situation is a good one, try and run into the person and see what is said in an "accidental" meeting. You'll get a feel whether you should pursue this. If this is a long distance lost love, I would try to find out, maybe through a third party, their thoughts on this possibility. By doing this, you don't put this person on the spot by calling them out of the blue, and possibly getting your heart hurt.

Sometimes these things do work out. Maybe as time passes, and we all change a little, look at life a little differently, and realize what was lost in your lives, you find that the time you were together wasn't he right time then. And maybe it is right now? Please remember, there is baggage that comes along with the passage of time. It may not be so easy to jump in where you left off. It just may not be as simple as that.

So be careful, go slow, and the best of luck.